not a martyr

I know the following rant is going to sound totally self-righteous but I need to preface it by saying I am an earnest person. Despite my diva tendencies, I pride myself on a job well done and I behave very ethically in a profession littered with questionable characters. I hate the rampant incompetence I encounter on a daily basis in my current position. However, what truly boils my blood is knowing that no matter where I work, I'll encounter the same or worse. And it is just depressing. Life really isn't fair. Like, seriously, what is the point? I'm losing my sanity comparing my efforts to others, but I am not the type of person who can perform half-ass and feel satisfied with myself. I just can't. And this is just looking at the situation within the scope of my career. Considering the rest of the world, my colleagues are at least gainfully employed. I can't even express how much it infuriates me that I basically slave away while so many people languish around doing nothing productive with their lives, contributing nothing to society, etc.

And then I feel guilty, because there are a lot of people who have it much worse and don't deserve it. So it is like a pendulum between rage and hopelessness. I feel the physical effects of the stress I'm under and realize I need to find an outlet (in addition to this) because otherwise I'll end up no better than the people I disdain. I wish there were an easy solution. But there isn't.

older and wiser

I'm not the first to say this, but remember when you were little and loved birthdays? And you would even count out fractions of your age, like, I'm seven and three-quarters? And you'd be so excited about bringing cupcakes to school and/or having a party? Then as time marches on, you realize how depressing life can be, and it is made all the more depressing by how short it is...and you kinda keep a low-pro about the amount of years you're celebrating? And your present to yourself may or may not be focused on maintaining your youth? Um, yeah.

The usual sunny weather has been totally blah lately so now I totally understand how people up north suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I wasn't motivated to do laundry for weeks or clean the kitchen...finally the piles got so bad my better half actually stepped in and started doing chores...big shocker considering he wouldn't notice if our floors were caked with dirt and crawling with roaches normally.

Cold, wet weather also allows good habits to fall by the wayside. What is the point of pedicures when you wear socks and close-toed shoes everyday? Hair styling is kind of pointless. Personal grooming is unnecessary when you wear pants daily and flannel pajamas at night. Skipping workouts in favor of hibernating is ok. Eating junk because it isn't bathing suit season yet is ok, too.

Obviously, January kind of sucked, so I have high hopes for this month. I need to get back on track. No more lazing around. After all, each day could be my last.

how evil are you?

You Are 78% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

feliz navidad

So you've had a happy Chrismakwanzmahanukah. Don't feel blue it is over, the best is yet to come! The year end sales are my favorite part of the season. I arrived at the mall by 8am, hit up Starbucks, then cruised over to Tuesday Morning and Marshall's. I'm going to devote some of the caffeine buzz time toward straightening the house, but then if I'm still going strong, I plan on braving Target. :) I've already purchased some gifts for people for next year, so I'm in good shape and don't feel too greedy. I did some online shopping, too. Those fuckers at J Crew won't allow price adjustments, so I made a second order at 25% off and will be trotting my happy ass back to the store with the first order I made before their better discount was available. I'll fix them!

Tomorrow I have the dreaded annual lady doctor appointment, but after that I plan on making up for it with fun activities. I have a hair appointment and intend to eat lunch at a restaurant I absolutely adore. :) I'll also probably get a mani/pedi while I'm out.

Woo hoo. Time to go eat some leftovers.

satori

I've had some ah-ha moments lately. Feng shui is no joke. My blocked chi has led to some serious issues in my life. I had been putting off really cleaning my closet for ages. I just kind of pile the clothes on my shelves or cram more hangers in. I stopped leaving my shoes in boxes and just sort of heap them on top of each other.

Now I've paid for letting the clutter accumulate. A burst pipe has caused severe damage to my sanctuary, and some of my possessions. Everything smells mildewy and I had to throw out a bunch of clothing and shoes because they were covered in mold. I'm totally grossed out by this. I'm also bummed out because some were things I truly liked but are just not salvageable. I love my belongings but I just don't have enough space to neatly store it all. I don't know whether renting a unit to keep it in is the answer, either, because I really ought to get away from placing so much value on material things.

Now, the petri dish that used to be my master suite kind of explains why I've felt so sick and blah lately. I just hope I haven't contracted some kind of crazy sickness from unwittingly breathing in such filth for god knows how long. And I've been wearing clothing and shoes that brushed against it...ick. I don't even know what sort of doctor I should go see to get checked out to make sure I'm ok. Maybe start with a shrink? LoL.

Seriously, this has been a huge wakeup call for me...I need to get my priorites straight. Go back to my roots of obsessively organizing...get back in control, not passively let negative things fester.

santa

I've already bought a few Christmas gifts, for myself and others. I've already rejected a couple of the gifts I selected for myself. Yeah, I'm that picky, I'm not even satisfied with what I choose for myself sometimes. I hate to sound greedy, but here's what remains on my wishlist this year:
a deluxe spa day with manicure, pedicure, facial, and massage
personal training sessions or private yoga/pilates instruction
at least one professional house-cleaning session
new duvet and decorative pillows

Now before I come off as total evil and selfish, I just want to say that I plan on spreading goodwill this season by giving my time, and donating some things to others.

Happy Holidays!

how low can you go?

I've been feeling pretty low lately. Physically, I am not in my healthiest state. I'm actually getting chest pains and I'm too young and skinny to be in cardivascular distress. However, I haven't been exercising as regularly because of my job. I also haven't been eating well, I've been skipping meals as often as workouts. Not to get too graphic but my digestive system is in turmoil. I'm exhausted by the end of each day, then the prospect of getting up to do it all over again is just as depressing.

Mentally, I feel burned out. I like getting along with people until given a reason to behave otherwise. Unfortunately not everyone shares that philosophy at my job, and it is starting to bum me out. I hate office politics because it doesn't even matter how hard you try, your fate is always going to be in somebody else's hands unless you manage to one day rise about it all and be in charge yourself and set things right. And that day seems so far away at this point in my career.